An Xbox Killed My Dog

An Xbox Killed My Dog

Have you ever experienced something truly magical and enchanting. Mesmerizing, so awe-inspiring that your tummy felt like it was full of peanut butter cups and rainbows and unicorn vomit?

That was my DAWG, I mean my actual, literal DOG, Mac. Short for Macilious. He was a half sharpei, half mountain curr, all dynomutt of a dog. Medium-sized, sleek- -nay, matte black fur, built like a swamp possum who had a planet fitness membership. 

35 pounds that dog weighed after 2 years, would carry him around all-awkwardly like a teen mom off of MTV when he got too hott outside. Mac’s head would just bobble-bobble like a bobble head, as we would walk back to 80 Fairview Drive. That’s my boy; I mean that was my boy.

Mac did this thing where he would need to go outside. Like he would be in my room upstairs. Then I would creep all the way downstairs, just left him there. Until

I opened the door from the mudroom and yelled “skrrrrrrt skrrrrrrrt” and he would bolt all the way downstairs would and start chasing an imaginary deer outside. Oh, I would do these little drills with him for my own quickness and footwork and it helped me get on the basketball team in high school and then I became popular and got to go on a date with Gina Anderson and then I got a new Xbox and multiplayer then I started lifting a lot of weights and then my dad kept asking me “take the dog out son” then I would say” I don’t want him anymore” as I’m tapping away on my Xbox 360 controller playing NBA 2K11 then I went to school next morning after I walked him then I came back and Mac was gone,

“Where did Mac go,” I asked my dad. 

“He’s gone,” my dad said.

“Oh,” I said.

Well that was my boy, that was my boy. I got him 2 months after he was born when I was 13. Momma paid a quarter of stack for him, he was born on Halloween night. I went to 3 different high schools with him, he was my only friend. The dog that looked me dead in my face and told me “I’ll protect you” even though we both knew damn well he couldn’t box to save his life.

He’s dead now. Last time I saw him, looked like he was 55-60 pounds. 10 years-old died from depression. I had until He was 4. Shit. 

“Where did he go,” I asked my dad. 

“He’s gone,” my dad said.

“Shit,” I said.

Mac was sitting in a car, with some unfamiliar faces, going 3 states away and he had no idea where he was going or why his best friend wouldn’t ever see him again.

I was sitting in my room, thinking about this dog that was going 3 states away that I would never see again. Honestly, Fuck Gina Anderson. Then I turned on my Xbox,

Between Friends Pt. 37

This is between friends 

Now, my best friends have powers,

No please understand this,: my best friends have powers,y

Seen them with my own two Jonny eyes,

I know a woman from North Carolina that can overwhelm you with love only using a smile 

I know a man that lives near Stone Mountain who can manifest sweet melodies using mahogany some phosphor bronze strings,

I know a lady from McDonough who is protecting and training and parenting a real life superhero by herself 

There’s some folks from GTown with a sleight of hand and so down the earth that you think they were born in ‘02

There’s some people down south that can swirl their fingers in the dirt and feed ya’ for a whole season,

I know a ducking waterbender off the coast and fire bender near Manitoba 

I know a pasty, ghostly, pale white boy that can help clear your immune system and then will paint you a portrait of the  Rockies

I know some colorful women who are in Denver who are so magical that it can make a unicorn look like a donkey with a dildo attached on its temple,

I know a collection of comrades that would walk off a decapitation ,

There’s some friends that have been there for a decade and friends that are only there for a night 

I have some friends turned villains , villains turned friends, and some friendly villains 

I know Blade, Black Panther, Domino , Green Lantern, Storm they’re from Willacoochee, GA

I got friends more agile than a crocodile on a Tuesday just before dawn

I know suburban kids who are forealla, country folks who are forealla, and city kids who are forealla 

Theres folks from FAMU, Howard, Morgan State, Hampton, NSU, and VSU that you could bring home to mom to try her unseasoned water casserole 

I got some auntie-like folks that will make you Sunday brunch but will get the armor and peel your wig back when it comes to their kinfolk 

I have friends that remind me to hydrate, eat my greens, cry, pray, and listen to my shitty poems 

Could you imagine people coming into your life that you don’t know and doing whatever they can so you don’t fail, so you won’t fail, you cannot fail

This is between friends,

Romanticize The Villainy Pt. 2

Dear Fair Citizens of America,

I did not mean to try and enslave the human race.

Now that,

This whole scenario is a misunderstanding.

I’m not Chris Brown, not a bad guy.

Let me explain, about me and my product and what will happen next.

Now we are here

With my super evil photon death ray I purchased from some dude called Patty on Craigslist  and it is currently orbiting Earth, over there in space somewhere.

It is aimed at the White House and Betty Whites house. It will go off when I stop speaking sporadically like a leaking spigot

I am letting you all know this because I am making you all an offer than you won’t, can’t, and ain’t refusing 

I want every form of government on this planet to fizzle up and evaporate, I mean dissipate immediately, and terminated expeditiously. This is not a request Trudeau, 

I’m  telling you,

This is now an anarchy, chaos, mayhem, I’m fixin’ to start a riot. You ask me what’s wrong with this world, what is right? I had to default all of my student loans to buy a $350 super evil photon death ray. If I show an American a cat video, they are immobilized for three hours, I met a man who works 90 hours a week, just to stay alive long enough to die of malnutrition. And humans are so damn fickle, senile in any environment, no one even listens to Ruben Studdard or plays with tamagotchis no mores.

Why the only time anybody listens to anybody is, is, is if they have a gun or is a rich, old white man? This is why,

And this is why I locked myself in this office with Mike Huckabee deep throating my 9mm glock.

But don’t worry, fair citizens. Nobody will stop me.

Superman? I got a methodical-diabolical contraption that turned him into a peanut butter-flavored contraception three weeks ago

I just have to ask you this question:

How many people, how many humans do I need to kill to become a hero, a legend? 

Why was I already profiled before I donned the mask, created an evil laugh, and carried my soul is a metal flask?

They were only humans, it’s not like I beat a german shepard with a newspaper, 

I am not a monster.

Now,

I may be a little upset that my imaginary friends walked out on me after refusing to pay rent

Or maybe this third lobotomy is getting to me

Now, I just thought destruction was the ultimate form of creation,

I just thought “the first lesson of history, is, that evil is good”

I just thought all these negatives I am doing would have a result of being positive.

I just thought someone would treat my depression as an illness and to stop telling me to get over it

I just thought my mom wouldn’t die of even though I thought I persuaded the cancer to let her stay

Because I will never fade away, I will never fade away, I will never fade away?

I was born like this, there’s nothing wrong me, I am of natural man.

I don’t care that I know my fate,

But didn’t God hear? The world is mine…

God is throwing biblical floods and wildfires and tsunamis, even hurricanes with great white sharks in them. Who is he to judge…

I’m not a bad guy…I’m not…

I just thought maybe, maybe a little dip of cyanide would go well with your tea.

Sometimes I do bad things, I normally do bad things, but I’m not a bad guy I just make bad guy decisions…but I am not romanticizing the villainy.

But what else am I supposed to do? I’m the epitome of all what is wrong with world, and its fine being a martyr.

I may be a flawed individual, but my biggest flaw is that I am surrounded by all you idiots.

You are all fools! You just need to all SUBMIT, I am trying to save you, I’m your savior.

AND WHEN I SAY CULL THE HERD, it’s because that’s. What. I. Do.

I’m just trying to save you all, from yourselves.

And if you think I am ill-judged,

Then Silence will be your only friend

Bundles of Jon Part 4

My name is Jonathan, half blank, half give a shit.

My name is Jonny, half black , half licorice.

My name is JODY, half black, half don’t give a shit.

My name is Jon, 

But listen, without the ‘H’, 

Half black, half ordinary negro.

These are my bundles of Jons, all of the Jonny bravos, Jon hamms, Jon-Jon, lil Jons, and John Henry irons.

I’m energetic, sometimes translucent, elusive, electric, engaging, enthralled 

Bothered, shocked, Baffled, appalled, and sometimes a straight goof, goof, goofball.

Some days I’m  informative like a Stewart, sometimes I’m going HAM like Ham, 

I’m good and bad for your heart, like John Candy,

I go well with Tater Tots like a Heder, irrationally emotional like a Bernthal

I got lips like a Lovitz,

Fry some french fries like a Favreau

I’ll surf through it  like a Tsunami,

And boring like a bald headed black kid bearing a board and named Two-By-Four

BUT NO F*CKIN’ ‘H’ 

It’s just, I’m sorry. Wait no I’m not. Wait, yeah I am. Wait, no, yes, uh.

I apologize. 

I just love the Jons. It’s as though I couldn’t promote self-love so I promoted the 4 quarters that make me, me. I’m not on some Split or MPD stuff. There is no we’s, there’s only me’s. Jon is sweet, Jon is protecting, Jon is loving, Jon is brash. I’ll beat the sh*t outta of a super sucka’ but I’ll explain why I did afterwards. 

And when I say cull the herd, it’s what I do. 

Reruns Of Martin

Jonny: Do you ever say and do stupid sh*t Jon? Not out of spite or anger or for laughs; just because you're you?

Jon: I think inherently as a human, we are supposed to dumb sh*t for no reason, what do you mean exactly?

Jonny: For example, someone asked me what book would I recommend for them to read based off of our conversation. We discussing the 'the black man's plight' and how better to serve those who are and have been under-served not just in urban or rural communities, but in general. From a homeless veteran to a young POC man earning a degree in Politics.

Jon: So what book did you recommend?

Jonny: I recommended Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates to expand on the numerous facilitators that threaten to disembody black men and black women,

Jon: That's dope, well what did the book say about those threats? How should we deal with them?

Jonny: I am not sure, I only read the first paragraph of the synopsis on Wikipedia.

Jon: ....

Jonny: ...

Jon: ............

Jonny: Like at a certain age, it is expected for you to answer questions and continue on with conversation, correct? Why would I pause mid-conversation, as an adult, just to convey my idiocracy with a question? And as an adult, at this point in my life, it is time to STOP learning and START talking. I have taken full responsibility for my incompetence at my seasoned age,

Jon: Do you truly think at this point of your modern life you are done learning and taking on or in new points of view? When doid the age of 25 promote complacency and competence? Your adulthood should be constantly fluid with new opportunities and innovation and experiences as you evolve through the different stages of your life,

Jonny: But you're forgetting I am an IDIOT and if people find out, then conversations become dumb and boring and useless. I have been tricking people into believing I'm an interesting and intelligent guy.

Jon: But what if you're ACTUALLY both of those things?

Jonny: Don't patronize me n*gga. Forrealla though, we have a super computer in the palm of our hands and no one talks about it. There is a whole sea of knowledge and tips to everlasting wealth, and no one is honing in on this infinite resource of vital information for your everyday prosperity. You know what I did with my super computer that can literally contact the Vice President if I wanted and knew how too?

Jon: Did you watch Infinity Wars trailers again?

Jonny: I watched Infinity Wars trailers again,

Jon: Well why would you put this cap on your own self ? You tell yourself "yup this is just how it is forever" and stay in this futile, semi-veggie state of mind? How would anyone get to their full potential or overall full-self without the constant need to break down knowledge and rebuilding by using what you just learned? You literally do this when you exercise on a more palatable, tangible form for hours a week. And you know this better than I do: if you're going to be the ultimate best version of yourself, why you or anyone prematurely stop?

Jonny: It's sort of this confidence that I am 'done' learning. In this confidence that I am an imbecile. It makes me content and I've come to terms with it. It's not that I know anything or that I am arrogant; I'm fairly sure my brain has been running overcapacity since sophomore year at Salem High. Everything else crammed in there has been a nice bonus.

Yes there is the confidence of being inquisitive and helping to not only improve yourself but one day raise a family. Even with this basic conversation, I thought a little bit further in the future: why would I add another little Jon to the world when I know where I am intellectually now. Even if I marry the Nubian Goddess Zendaya, most likely half of that kid's mentality is going to be my drive, or lack thereof. I know where I am, a heap of wasted potential. And I am tired of everything.

Why does nobody talk about how much water sucks to drink? Who's going to actually check the random percentage that I made up about abortion rates in Missouri? You can post anything on the internet and people won't even care if it's fact or even click on the link. I think I am more aware because I am acknowledging it. I just want to sit with my legs cross-legged and die when I am supposed too. If there is even a chance that a kid shot through my dingy is going to have that lack of energy, what's the point of reading a book on why n*ggas are getting sh*tted on to impress a girl at the coffee shop?

Jon: Hold that, a girl? What is she like,


Jonny: Jon, she was Ethiopian, loves Steve Lacy, loves kids, 6"1, and that thang looked like a swam possum with the mumps,

Jon: You know what, I MUST be overthinking it. Tekashi Oats was that n*gga you say?

Radio Ladio

I love my mom.
I love my dad.
I love my brother.
I love rap music.
I love gospel.
I love indie electronic-dance music.
I love running 5ks.
I love yoga.
I love video games.
I love my two dozen tattoos.
I love science.
I love teaching.
I love kissing people on the cheek.
I love dogs.
I love Jody.
I love my skin.
I love my receding hairline.
I Love Isaiah Rashad.
I love being from the south.
I love MF DOOM.
I love cosplaying.
I love races.
I love the name Virginia & Clementine.
I love chicken pad thai.
I love Terry Crews, The Rock, and Idris Elba.
I love pain.
I love soreness.
I love the 20 people who regularly read my blog.
I love progress.
I love cole slaw & baked beans on a sandwich.
I love when my roommate's friends leave alcohol leftover from a party.
I love my uncle.
I love my auntie.
I love Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.
I love Radio Ladio by Metronomy.
I love white liquor.
I love gainz.
I love referencing strip clubs in Portsmouth.
I love Cousin Skeeter, Sandy, Beanie Baby, KAT, RisaLion, Jamal, and Renny.
I love plaid-collared shirts.
I love using nicknames for everybody in my contact list.
I love ugly sweaters.
I love rolling up the sleeves on my plaid-collared shirts.
I love doing Young Jeezy ab-lids.
I love cocoa butter kisses from old black ladies.
I love thick thighs and child-bearing hips.
I love NBA 2k.
I love Jon.
I love the security hard in high school who thought I was in a gang.
I love pizza.
I love dancing awkwardly on social media.
I love black superheroes.
I love christmas lights specifically when it is not Christmas.
I love apples.
I love black sitcoms from the '90s and early '00s.
I love trying my hardest.
I love Toro Y Moi.
I love when people pick-up the phone.
I love doing the Wakanda salute in Warrior 2.
I love Ben Wallace.
I love fried potatoes.
I love saying the n-word.
I love when people give me hugs without asking.
I love...

Radio Ladio by Metronomy was my first intro to indie EDM and needless to say, I completely lost my mind.

Gentrified Cornbread

It's 3:18 pm and I am sitting in a coffee shop. I used to say coffee is the devil's nectar but here I am sipping on a venti caramel frappuccino with a dose of espresso. It is not called 'express-o' don't worry, I checked.

So as you can see, I reopened my blog (again) with ultimate hopes of "chillin' tf out" during this next school quarter and updating folks on why I love physical fitness and how it connects to my overall Jonny spirit. 

This is not a "how-to-guide" on how I balance teaching yoga, running dogs, and the high-and-lows of being a 3rd year teacher as well, as I do my own fitness practices. This is just how a Jonny boy does it and yes, these things may nest its way into my blog.

I will be blindly optimistic, vent, rant, praise, throw up, eat the throw it back up again,.I will sing, dance, yell, laugh and I will do it by making paragraphs 2-5 sentences in a palpable (that's for you JW.)

I think highly of myself (even as far as calling myself J.O.D.Y. = Jon of Da Year) but I know how much life can suck and I know how blessings just fall on top of head while I ignore them because I am still cursing on why life sucks. 

But there is so much to the little things of life that are so important: like getting a good crack-of-the-neck, kids who try to race me on my 5-milers off Colfax, that guy in Planet Fitness that falsely told me I look like Terry Crews. 

Oh geez, I keep telling y'all what this blog is about to be about and what 'imma do' and la-di-da. Wait well let me get one more attempt in,

This blog is about all of the things in life that make me happy, make me sad, make me tired, make me glad; this blog is about how I ran a 5k in 17:12 while I was hungover from 2 40s and a few shots of moonshine; this blog is about how kicked a lady in a face while I was demonstrating a headstand; it is about my 5th grade P.E. teacher who called a 9 year-old with a fragile psyche fat; it is about my mom's cornbread that had a little too much butter in it that had to be gentrified by using olive oil & basil leaves. 

Welcome to Gentrified Cornbread.