Public Service Announcement

I am not sure how to start this post. Um, I pooped about 3 times this morning. Anyways it is Monday morning, preparing to start my week. I recently checked out the new Avengers movie, definitely on the prowl to rewatch it. 

As I sat in the theater to watch the culmination of all 22 films in one final epic showdown, Jon briefly drifted off into character development aka JODY development. Watching Thanos, Tony Stark, Steve Rodgers, Thor, etc. develop over the span of about 3 years has been a lot on my poorol' lil' Jonny heart. But even with all of these fictional characters, I think about people I have known for quite some time who had their own progress.

Personally I have reached a point to where I can do a longer, more detailed reflection of where Jon is mentally, physically, spiritually, financially, emotionally, etc. after my own "epic" showdown a couple of months ago. And that has prompted me to discuss with my friends the root or foundation of their personal growth. Which is honestly difficult to have that talk with all of social media lurking around. Maybe I do not mean lurking, maybe I mean sitting in your bed while you sit propped up against a wall, passive aggressively asking Instagram to get out of your bed and off of your girl. 

My best friends, my Tier 1 friends, people who know Jon, Jody, Jonny, Jonny Boy, etc., they have these talks with me and are consistent with checking on me vice versa. It is hard to say people are in a "transition phase" because I believe people should be constantly evolving and developing into their own final form. Unfortunately when you keep checking on famous people your own age and how quickly they got to a certain stature, you may look at their last few years and feel dismay. Which should NEVER be the case. Unless you're Logan Paul. Logan, do better babe.

There's always the Jay-Z quote I paraphrase or misquote:

"No matter where you go, you are what you are player

And you can try to change but that's just the top layer

Man, you was who you was 'fore you got here"

This was actually my quote from my 200 hour YTT that got me going. Jody interpreted it as everything that you do or have done and will do was already going to happen because of who you are. Your mannerisms, how you talk, behavior, intellect; it was already there in the first place. But of course a Jonny may use this as a cap, but a Jonny may also do this to realize potential. Depends on if I want to get out of bed first.

"I Am Just A Rapper" introduced me to one of the corniest rappers I've ever heard in my life that showed me how amazing one can develop.

Sand Is Overrated

It's Sunday April 21st, 2019. Easter Sunday. Resurrection Sunday. 9:21 in the morning. 65 degrees, partly cloudy. Scattered thunderstorms are 50%. Wind is around 7 miles per hour. From basement floor window, I can see Louie sitting outside, delicately chewing on her favorite toy. Eyes half shut, her fur being fluffed by gentle gusts.

I'm on my bed laying belly down, mouth covered by a shea butter-scented pillow with a floral design. My feet hang off of my queen-sized Serta mattress, as I routinely twirl my ankles around. My body has been adjusting to having 3 jobs that all require an extensive amount of stamina. And also all requires the use of sweatpants. I've been fortunate enough that I can get back to my college workout routine to get the physique of Captain America. 

I briefly pause typing as I listen to the sounds around me, as my 4-foot tall window is slid open.

Airplanes floating on by.

Birds tuning.

Sirens wailing.

Neighbor dogs growling.

Roommates shuffling around upstairs.

My double jointed hands tapping on my HP.

An ant slowly shuffles by looking extremely gassed. I am sure the little fella' ventured all the way over yonder to the crumbs from my late night salmon burger. I have never seen an ant in my room. I break his neck. My glance then peaks around my 9' x 9' bedroom.

Xbox One and 52" TV on top of an old card table.

A vision board I made at my Auntie's house.

An old running shoe collecting dust in the corner.

Random fifths of white rum that have run their course.

Couple of dirty dishes from last night.

Some covers folded up in a corner for no reason.

Christmas lights strewn around the ceiling that connect throughout my entire floor. Well almost, I need one more extension cord to reach the living room.

I think about writing more but I want to watch the Beyonce Homecoming film on Netflix to see why people are so obsessed with her before I trot over to the Colorado Rockies baseball game. I have free tickets from my job, and I am going with my old college friends. I haven't seen one of them in a while, I hope he's okay. 

At this point I wonder why I haven't mentioned any Jons or music references in this post. Dee told me that my writing is riddled with grammatical errors. That's a weird thing to say because I'm writing down individual thoughts as they spontaneously pounce out of my head. It's like I'm projectile vomiting and I blacked out and he is telling me to aim at the trash can. It's also weird because I am 72% certain I have used that reference before. I have to pee and cut my hair.

*Crazy In Love plays in the background

Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind has been on my list at the most watched movie of all time. I first heard of it listening to the OST while Jay Electronica rapped over the original score.

Fear The Pink Mist

I'm not a fan of the color pink. It's so bright and loud and flamboyant for my own taste. It doesn't blend very well; if you have a pink shirt, like that blush, flamingo, taffy pink is what I am referencing. Mostly,

Jonny Boy doesn't own anything pink really. Unless you count the pink covers and pillow case, rose pink iPhone, pink phone cover. Sometimes Neo Yukio. That's it, I swear. What can I say it's a solid color,

I reference this color because of what it represents in society. Like that feminism, femininity, feminine traits that people associate with women or women-like movements. Breast cancer awareness, those coochie hats etc. And I think it has taken away from the color itself. 

Jon-Jon can go outside and wear blue (normally), black, green, purple, orange, red (sometimes), and nobody thinks about a got-damn thing. Just a big-headed negro sashaying off of Colfax lookin' spiffy. But when I have any shade or hint that pink is accidentally existing or breathing on me, that's where the inquisitive inquisition comes,

I have had "problems" "proving" my masculinity for years now. I separate those two phrases with quotations because "I" "don't" "give" "a" "duck" collectively at this point. It seems at this point you can only prove people you're a man by dying, according to Bill Burr. Especially to black people, goodness gracious. Have you openly spoke to most black men about their feelings? It's like trying to perform open heart surgery on an ant. How did my celebrity idol Terry Crews make it this far? It was the first time I understood the importance of discussing gender norms.

Jonny Boy can openly admit there is a bit of an outlier perk on the Jons' behalves. Maybe the ability to twerk, putting on "The Sea" by Corrine Bailey Rae to cry myself to sleep in high school, buying women sweaters because they fit, and looking for any reason to wear a skirt comes into play. But still, it is a part of my whole definition of what it is to be a man and be delicate. The only trait I know for 100% accuracy is the definition of being a man and having masculinity is handling your business; whether it be taking care of your family or dealing with your own sh*t. You can do that wearing jeans or you can do that in a crop top,

"Are You Here" by Corinne Bailey Rae was put on loop certain nights in high school as I as learned how to actively show emotions in private 

I'll Probably Never Let You Go

It is 7 o'clock on a Saturday morning. The sun peaks over a handful of clouds. Slight breeze. Around 47 degrees. Slight possibility of rain this evening. 

There's an old lady staring at me as, I obnoxiously talk on the phone with Big KAT. I'm sitting on the hood of my '06, hollerin' and keke'n' like I'm at a '98 Def Comedy Jam headlined by Bruce Bruce. If you have ever seen me talk on the phone, you're missing out. It is a parade of me doing forward folds, half splits, two-stepping, cleaning things that do not need to be cleaned, punching myself in various spots on my torso, shoulder shimmies, for the most part.

But today I'm just sprawled out on my car in the middle of a parking lot of Planet Fitness on Lakeside. On one side of the gym is a PetCo; I sometimes quickly go in to use the bathroom before I run down West 44th Avenue. Straight down to Sunnyside and back. Or down Tennyson and 29th. and back up Sheridan. Depending on if I want to make a straight line or a parallelogram. 

However for now I am now pacing in a calm frantic around my car, like I am running away from brother after I threw a ball in his face.

 (after I threw the thing)

* 7 year-old me (who hasn't been punched yet): Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow

11 year-old JW: I haven't hit you yet

7 year-old me: AWWWRGJSSJDNSKDJDSKDJ

11 year-old JW: Forget it,

7 year-old me: 😀

11 year-old JW: (body slams me)

I am fairly tired on this point in the conversation, Big KAT has been talking for 45 minutes about getting her liver removed or whatever, and I am only half listening at this point. I reminisce about sitting on a park bench on front campus beside her. Didn't know who or what or if she was. Started talking to her about whatever. Must've been for 2 hours. Don't know why she didn't leave,

I forget that all of my best friends in college through an aggressively unique way: 

Sandy- starred at her from two rows back in Chemistry I for 3 weeks straight, bought her food from the school cafeteria for 2 months until I ran out of meal swipes a month before that semester ended,

Jamal - after a freshmen writing class, I asked him to eat with some friends of mine in which he told me he was already eating with some friends. They were the same friends.

Cousin Skeeter - well, he's my cousin

Beanie Baby - after going to the gym multiple times, she told me my hair was trash but offered to style it for free. I reluctantly accepted as I had no money or clippers to do anything with it,

Renny - the last two months of college, everybody was gone. I asked her to go to Salamander Springs Farm on an outing randomly as she dated my then boy crush and wanted to get to know her. Became my #1 confidant post-college.

I always thought it to be interesting that everybody was given a nickname by Jon. It is how I manage things. Ever since I was in middle school I was obsessed with alter egos based on abstract nomenclature. But I rarely call people by my nicknames for them. Wait, hold up.

Jonny Boy: Hey KAT I gotta' go,

KAT: Whaa-

Jon: I HAVE TO PEE

KAT: Okay, you don't have to yell

Jonathan: Have a wonderful day ma'am

"Some Girl" by Goldlink ft. Steve Lacy has been the got-to for elevating my mood whenever I'm down,

Call It Black Girl Magic

(apologies for lack of editing)

There's always been this slice of HEAVN in everything I see, everything I do,

It's not Jon being 'blissfully optimistic', it's just the way I interpret things. From the people I meet to the events I see, to the actions of others, to the little crack in the sidewalk, to a stray dog running in heat...

It has to be a miracle, surely, all of this. There are these constant influences of these self-imposed negativity and positivity and it is up to each and every individual to decide what is right or wrong Over 7 billion ideologies and somehow we are all still here. Some people f*cking up more than others. Get it together Utah,

No, but for Jonny to have even found tens of thousands of songs that I love, dozens of hobbies that stimulate me, to have met friends that put up with me such as Big KAT, Cousin Skeeter, etc.... it's amazing.

 To put in to proper context how grateful I am, think about it like this: Imagine being locked in a self-imposed cage that you personally let your own self out of. Like this dark and gloomy cloud was cast over you and then another you cleared out the storm while another you gave yourself a blanket to dry off with while another you made you food while another you...

It's been cool and a little weird to create these personas. I didn't want to romanticize multiple personality disorder but most people know I am organized and have a set time for activities and events but I am also laid-back when it comes to reorganizing. It is sort of like this black girl magic to have all of these different things come together for the betterment of a whole, like how sometimes it works out for people to all work together on Earth and come together to make something beautiful and just be wonderful to the land, our land. I mean it ain't gonna' happen any time soon, there's like 7 billion of us...

#hivemind 

"HEAVN" by Jamila Woods completely encompasses the new range of emotions I've felt over the past couple of years.