The Gosh Dern Funnel Cake

 (FYI definitely didn’t proofread this for grammar)

The Gosh Dern Funnel Cake

In the summer of July 2008, i went to live with my Auntie Karen and my Uncle in middle Georgia. I wasn’t sure why or what happened to this day, but I was excited. I lived in Virginia before that, in a Christian and military household. One mom. One dad. One Sasquatch (my older brother). And one dog.

To me it was a regular household. My parents together, educated and present. It was a regular household. A regular black household to me. Like the Cosby’s without that one thing. You remember, the sexual assault and drugging thing. Anyways,

To me it was important that I have that strong foundation and circle around me. Imagine a black boy having his father there! Like when my dad wasn’t working late I would be like “I love you dad” and he would be like “I love you too son!” So refreshing. Would’ve definitely not survived without that one. Phew,

So I’m starting at this school in middle Georgia , I don’t know anyone. My brother was a Star basketball player in the school I was at in Virginia, so I had a chance to be a whole new person. Not Jonathan or my middle name Nyles. Something for exotic and s*xy and fresh! I went by “Jon”

I would walk to school and have my Zune playing “Madvillainy by Madvillain” and had it shoved down my pocket with the Walkman sized headphones on. I had the bass clarinet in my left hand, sometimes cupping it under my arm pit. I had JUST stopped wearing hand me downs from my brother (who always was 2-3 sizes bigger than me) so I had the freshest gear from Marshall’s and Ross. Like 4 striped adidas?

Someone call this dudes grandpa, he’s cool as f*ck.

Walking in the first day at a new school, I was cooler than Mr. Freeze eating a freeze pop in the Arctic Ocean listening to Coolieo. I had finally got to 6 feet tall and ya’ boy was hitting that Billy Blanks boot camp so I was ready! I was at the wrong school, apparently my neighborhood has two buses for each high school in the district,

So fast forward: new school, made some friends, started a new sport. Almost got a girls number. Mostly ate the library or cafeteria but not always #socialprogress but this next part put me in the library for the final years of high school.

Strong Foundation for close friends with honest, and open communication. Only thing I need. Don’t need to them to have snacks when I come over or be as dope as me or be in band or like video games. Just don’t try to stab me or poison me via Hawaiian fruit punch or steal from my Auntie or berate me in front of the entire school or touch my momma or my pops or my uncle or my dog or my grandad or grandma or my gosh dern funnel cake.

Eric. Eric, stole my Zune that had the complete discography of De La Soul and Tribe Called Quest. He stole my funnel cake. He is the reason I have a binder full of racial slurs from the. 1800. How did I find out he stole my Zune? He told me. I told him “if you don’t retrieve my Zune and reimburse me $10 for that funnel cake, we are no longer friends” 

I said that word for word in front of the whole cafeteria. The stutters and stammers didn’t help. I was standing and breathing heavily. I thought I should grab my inhaler if I had one. He was sitting there and grinning an accomplished grin.

I mean I was crying. I didn’t have my mom or dad or brother. I had my bass clarinet. I had my Xbox 360. And I had a dog at home, probably dry humping my pillow. I didn’t know at the time but I wouldn’t have another real human friend from school until I turned 18. 

Now I would say I’m a man, hardened and cynical and ready to be a husband and a dad in future. But I’m still waiting on those $10