I looked across my room at my Nina Simone print. It's Nina Simone looking hopeful, enamored in some sort of blissful, full look at absolutely nothing. She looked like someone had just told her that life is going to be everything that she hoped for right as she popped out of Mary Kate. Her dreams looked like that had come true, and everything was going to be alright. Or maybe everything is everything.
The first time I had even heard of Nina Simone or her voice was a sample by Yeezy's "Blood on the Leaves"; in contrary to my print, her voice sounded angrily exhausted, deprived of energy, yet still stunning. Like she had been stripped of something that was rightfully hers. Like her child. Or her name. Or her identity. Or the ability to piss in your own toilet.
I have collected a lot of portraits and prints over the years. Star Wars regalia, self-portraits of myself, sci-fi stuff, other musicians. This one breaks my heart. Because this has shown so much of how much I dared to dream, how much I have been wanting to become bigger than myself.
I am fully aware of who I am, trust me. I have spent a lot of time with him. Exuding and conveying myself in this light because it makes me feel full and whole. It makes people around me feel full and whole. Like a fat man at Krispy Kreme when the sign comes on. But that fat man is going to feel bad after that sign goes off. And I helped him feel okay to be fat even though he sort of knows it's not what he wants while I definitely know it's not the look. But I told him it was okay.
Except I didn't do any of that, ever. I never told him to keep eating. I told him to stop numerous times and showed him data. And he told me he wasn't happy this way. And I said cool here's what ya' gotta do. All of the time. Never not showed him what keeps happening. And then he asks "why am I obese and unhappy" 10 years later. It makes me feel like the paragraph before this one is true.
But then again, it is amazing how powerful and how strong I could be and many people I have effected by just walking down the street. I am the unstoppable force, parallel with the immovable object. I do not play, unless I want to win a game. And this is not a game to me. It never was.
Everything has come and gone, fought and retreated. There have been people who have perished for this while I sat down and watched, watched as I could have done something about it. But I chose not to because I had to make sure my resources don't perish because people need me. And if you don't think so, just ask them. And I don't want to talk about it, unless something is being executed. It's not a casual conversation or dialogue. It's gut-wrenching and it hurts when I speak about it those who somehow, somehow don't have a single clue.
Well, look at what it has cost me even with me not participating. Everything. Maybe because it wasn't mine in the first place.
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