Sunday, April 24, 2016

The date was July 12th, 2014.
The place was Coldfoot, Alaska. 60 miles above the Arctic Circle.
The Whiting was Jon.


I was working up in the boreal forest as a Wildlife Interpretation Intern one dreary, dreary season. Over the course of the summer, I hosted wildlife programs, provided travel conditions along the Dalton Highway leading up to the Arctic Ocean, and sarcastically relayed to many visitors that there was no cell phone service. By this time of the year along the Middle Fork Koyukuk, the eternal sunshine had given me a new-found sense of happiness. Irrational, ignorant happiness. Must have been all that “D.” Okay, bad joke.

My 21st birthday was upon me, and I wanted to do one of those planned “unplanned beautiful moment” moments. So I had (un)planned a birthday party with the 20 or so, 20+ year-olds that kept “Coldfoot Camp” from across the highway running. Even though I didn’t tell the Coldfoot Campers it was my 21st birthday, I still expected to be letdown by no one remembering it was my birthday.

High expectations, low common sense.

As I made small talk with my Alaskan Amber about the WNBA All-star game in the bar, I was approached by a grizzly patron. It was 3pm and of course, he was inebriated. I was trying to follow suit. We began talking and spoke of everything one may conjure up. From climate change to folk music to a recent moose tramplings to jelly on pizza, you name it. Before half-time, a few more campers had swung by and made a 6-person fiesta.

Musk Ox don't have time for games

After hooping and hollering for a couple of hours (we played basketball for a couple of hours), I decided to send my carrier pigeon off to retrieve my designated driver and get back to my cabin. I subconsciously spoke of my birthday, and the man was delighted but upset he didn't buy me a cookie or another round earlier. 
I told him I wanted to plan an unplanned significant event in my life. Even though the man was absolutely dazed, he had to reconsider if I was all-time toasted or a damn idiot. I have no idea the man’s name, or what he did for a living, or even if he was real. But I remember him saying this:

“Why don’t you run to the ocean? People do that for fun. Even pay other people to let them run on street where they can run on for free. Morons. Either that or shots. 21. 21 shots.” And with that irregular contrast in advice, we parted ways.

Fast forward to July 13th at 9pm. The other intern was driving me up the Dalton Highway to Milepost #196. Our cabin was at #175. I quadruple-checked to make sure I had my iPod, headphones, protein bars, and bear spray in possession. Age 21, time 2100, in most likely $21 running shoes (which I would regret later) for a 21-mile run I did not properly train for. But birthday spirit was by my side. The other intern’s instructions were to pick me up if I wasn’t back by 1am.

"Put it on social media or it never happened"

After one last photo for the ‘gram, I clicked my playlist entitled “John Muir” and began. I would speak of what was going through my mind through that run, but I wouldn’t be able to recall. No distractions, no one passed by me on the road, no bears thought of a late-night, 200-pound snack, no cramps. I ran straight and flat through the valley, down the utility corridor. Low 50s, light drizzle, overcast, slight breeze. Big ups to Zeus.

It’s as though I was riding on a flying red panda over a waterfall. Completely comfortable. And I am sure at that time my body was riding a serious “running” high and it will be excruciating when I stop. But for now, weeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I didn't time myself. Like a dozen of my mystic friends recited in college as they failed their chemistry exams, “it’s the journey, not the destination.” By the time I got to my gravel lot at MP #175, I slowed down to a slight jog to cool down and eventually stopped. I did my post long-run routine* and slowly walked up to my cabin. Paris had hit my heels. My colon was trying to evacuate before I packed all my luggage. My stomach began gnawing on my intestines. The lack of oxygen content in my body was lower than Perez Hilton's fan club.

Ask me about my self-inflicted pain. source:hexjam

Probably should have took the day off after my birthday besides the day of.



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*A dance learned from NBA star “Vince Carter” who would twirl around while pumping his fists as he ran upcourt.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

A Fat Boy's Guide to Running*

Recently, I ran my first 10K (6.2 miles) this past Saturday in Richmond, Virginia. This event is the annual Ukrop's Monument Avenue Race, with almost 25,000 participants on a gusty Saturday morning. With a posted time of 39:46, I was disappointed in my quest for a 37-minute PR. I failed to live up to the expectations of my CW Flash t-shirt; in all actuality should have not been worn unless I had a legit chance of running this race in the sub-35. Not 35 minutes but in 35 seconds. Or maybe 3.5 seconds,

Anywhoooooooooooooooo, I thought of something. A thought, plucked from the dusty cabinets of my corner office from a company that's owned by Delhaize. I wanted to jot it down on a notepad, but then again it would probably be good to finish this race first. But during that brief moment of inexplicable pain from my thighs and the pain from letting Wally West down, there was a theory. The Theory of Why?

This is the 1st race my uncle and I have completed together. According to him it'll be the last

Why am I running this race?
Why do I feel happy that my uncle is here in this self-elected suffering?
Why did that girl not to go to the middle school dance with me?

Enter: 5 Philosophies I have about Exercise. As a self-described extreme fitness-minimalist and semi-narcissist, I compiled my own list of reasons why running has stayed in my routine. Why did I list 5 reasons? Because I love the number 5 dammit. Now these aren't thee set of guidelines for an extreme fitness-minimalist/semi-narcissist, these are my guidelines for an extreme fitness-minimalist/semi-narcissist.


1. Food I don't want to imagine the amount of food I swallow on a daily basis. Yes, I said swallow. I don't chew. The food quantity may be high but so is the quality. Not a fan of salads, but I veggie boast all of my meals. Grilled cheese sandwich? Sprinkle some spinach leaves and sweet peppers in that thang with flax seed bread. Generic box-pasta dinner? Take all the veggies, yes all of them and throw it in. Minus the left foot.

Source: Tumblr



I do eat out 1-2 times a week because I am firm on the belief of "treating yo' self." I have no idea what a cheat meal is to be honest. Cooking in bulk for two or three days definitely turns me off from getting cardboard pizza from Lil' Caesar's. But I will consume cardboard pizza from Lil' Caesar's.

2. Schedule My daily agenda always incorporates exercise. Whether I'm sweating or not. I keep a general schedule of going to the gym or doing yoga or running because that's what I programmed myself to do. Do I want to exercise this much? Hell no. There's no specific routine I follow; I don't time myself on my runs or log how many sit-ups I do. On certain days, I will go to gym and hangout or just put on workout clothes but watch SportsCenter. And leave.

So this doesn't mean I'll peer review scientific journal articles on an elliptical. At the height of my workload in college (18 credits), I would spend no more than 45 minutes exercising. Most people halt their Pilates session due to cramming for an exam their undoubtedly going to fail or a hangover from one too many St. Ives at Snoop Lion's house. But that time was blocked out, due to my...

3. Emotions 30-minutes a day. 5-6 times a week. I'm a fervent little shrew. If I'm not doing a violent movement or activity every day, I'm extremely irritable. Never been able to figure out why. If I don't release that energy onto a tangible structure then it is as though someone told the ill-est yo' momma' joke and it will pester me the whole day. It's only a brief amount of brief amount of agony.

Source: Tumblr


4. Breaks 30-minutes a day. 5-6 times a week. But not every week. I'll take a break due to food comas, exhaustion, laziness, revamping my entire existence, etc. It's important to know your limitations. You don't have to go Dwayne Johnson or Sarah Paulson's tempo. Take your time; reward yourself and your temple. It's the only one you have, normally.

5. Music I don't know how people get through a workout and not listen to Flava Flav blaring in your ear. Do they enjoy the potential cramps and shortness of breath and dizzy spells without a little Shakira to move their tailfeather? Or maybe Daft Punk isn't enough to help them to do that yoga? Perhaps Katy Perry doesn't have enough hot sauce in her veins (swag)?

I could go on all day, but music one of the biggest reasons I can get through 4 sets of push-up rows. How it can help me finish that last 400 meters. Or breakdance when hitting that downward dog. A personal preference that has been plenty essential to round out my philosophies.




As a recent fan of CW's The Flash, I decided to rock it with my ever-present zebra headband


No matter how terrible a race or how upset I am with myself for any reason or how much I don't want to do what I need to do, there's always one thing that is constant. One thing to look forward to. I may go about it an alternative way, but I am still able to reap the bounty.

Like a saying I overheard in a conversation outside a middle-Georgia Bar between two Donald Trump Supporters:

There's more than one way to skin a cat

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*The reason for the title is because "technically" I am considered overweight for my age and height.