Please, Tell Me About Me

It's strange to think one day I wasn't here and now I am here. I have become obsessed with my own self and personal/professional relationships, that I haven't taken the stepback. Ya' know the whole thing about "gotta' backward to go forward" sort of energy. You can't build a house on a rickety foundation. Gotta' burn down the forest to get rid of all the dead matter so it can rebuild itself through different stages of succession.

Well yeah, I was priveleged enough to have a comfortable upbringing in which my parents kept on the lights and sometimes the cable. I didn't have to worry about being loved even though sometimes it didn't fit in the mold I needed. But it was there and abundant and that's where I am today.

But being the emotional truck I am, spending years and years writing into my journals, having good and bad trips, spending most mornings sorting through thoughts on my short and long runs...I still can't stop processing. It is supposed to stop, right? Even as I write on my computer at 11:36pm on a Sunday evening, my own brain continues to say "why are you not improving?" as I slowly start nodding off to street at now 11:37pm on a Sunday evening. 

I am someone who is restless, energetic, even-tempered, mellow, volatile, joyful, angry throughout most of my days. I would say joy and anger are my foundation mostly. Microaggressions eat away at me almost instantly. Like when one of the ladies I work with profiled me and a day later said "I know you". It was so interesting and unsettling; I wanted to throw up. So through all of the years and therapy and 60-minute runs and conversations I've had, you know me? Please, tell me about me because I am most genuinely confused.

If there is something you don't know then you have to speak up, you gotta'. I mean you GOTTA'. I am tired and exhausted and confused and mad yet happy and excited and eccentric and comprehend everything like, please I will pay you inexpensive Pokemon cards. I guess when I heard that comment I became upset but I am someone who likes feedback, especially from rich middle-aged white ladies "whose father will hear about this."

I am also someone who enjoys feedback and resolution and compromise. I crave it. I need it. And I won't stop until everything is at 99.9% optimal capacity for me. But I am not ready to die on that hill quite yet.

My Favorite Taco Truck

 Where in the world did I ever get the ability to earn a best friend that meets the “best friend” requirements? There have been people who I can play basketball with, talk about music with, motivate me professionally, motivate me personally, talk about “conspiracy theories” with, swap RDCworld videos, etc.

But I remember watching episodes of “Recess” and trying to wrap around my head that someone may have 5 best friends. 5. Best. Friends. My 1 best friend throughout elementary school literally was polar opposite of me and I don’t remember how we even bonded. But I know we were best friends and we would hangout together. Pizza parties and Skittles and Pokemon cards.

But like my Plumeria, as those friendships continue to grow, increasing in the amount of room they need, they need to be repotted. I am the plant, my friends supporting me are the pot. And by the time I need to be repotted, my roots have burst out from the pot and my potential of exponential growth steadily declines. From 3rd grade through my Iggy Year, 87% of my friends 

“Why young guy, why? Why are you roasting your best friends! They have given you solid years and validation and warmth and love!” Most definitely yes! But ‘imma keep it going.

Every time I have been with a bestie (most people know them as ‘Tier 1s’ or as the retired Tier 1s, I deem ‘Tier 2s’) I notice a modified or perhaps a change in mindset. Not sure if its my mentality or there’s but it happens. But as I begin to make friends in late 20s, those are people who are just going to be with (they say). But people don’t know, I will drop a friend like a bad habit. Well I don’t always drop bad habits. I will drop a friend like a spoiled avocado. I don’t care how old I am.

Back to the topic, I actually didn’t forget about it. 5 best friends. At one time.  When I think about 5 best friends, I think about 5 direct, intentional, assertive, present energies. Okay, let’s ponder that I have school and my 120 or so kids, their families, my own family and cousins and aunties and uncles, my old best friends, my yoga clients, my social media following, and me. Well more or less, I have all of these relationships. Cool. Yes. Now I am going to put my vibes into at least 5 people and be my very, very best around them. My VERY best. 

My best friends are different than any of those other people because they are not as confined to time. I won’t allow my students to call me super late crying about relationship issues or I won’t allow a yoga client to crash on my couch because they lost their job. I’m going to tend and help those folks out but within an allotted time. I check in on everyone regardless. But my BEST friends, you best believe 2am and couch are available, sometimes, I mean normally reluctantly.

And I as I get older and wiser, I want to be with folks and give me the energy back. I need it reciprocated. I want to be in debt to my friends because they’re that inspiring and heavenly to me. I talk about my best friends like they’re my All-Time starting 5 NBA lineup. I talk about them like they’re my favorite movie.

I hope as I continue with my journey in San Antonio those 5 (at the most) are cemented. I don’t have to have 5 but that’ll be cool. I am hoping they don’t feel pressured when they read this but maybe I want them too. Because that’ll make diamonds.